October 21, 1999
Prophetic dwarf
Elizabeth and I moved into a large office, overlooking a river. There was a cool breeze coming through the picture window. Elizabeth announced, “We’re in New York” now. It was about where the EGSA office is for real, but it didn’t work out that way. Sheryl B. and Sherry L. offered it to us. The picture window that opened onto the river indicated that we weren’t really six floors up, but that the water was just six feet from the window. It sort of looked like I imagine Prague to look outside. Elizabeth decorated it like a Victorian living room, only it was mostly lemon yellow instead of burgandy. Hannah came in and made fun of Elizabeth’s shoes. Deanna came in and said, “I’m sorry you’ve moved, but it looks real nice in here. Mind if I visit often?” I said she was welcome anytime.
I had to go somewhere, so I went out on the streets of New York. It was dark and rainy. As I exited the skyscraper, I faced a park filled with college types, but also vietnamese gang boys. They were talking to Elizabeth’s student with the headphones, saying things like “Well, if she’s 17, just fuck her.” I was shorter and had the ends of my pant legs tucked into my sandals. I walked with my head down, hiding under the weight of my backpack. Several boys were shooting each other with jawbreakers through the windows of another highrise. They had special jawbreaker machine guns.
I don’t know where I was headed, but I stumbled into an arcade. A four year old boy in front of me put a coin into the skeeball machine. Ten antique ferris wheels with prizes in the individual cars came rolling down. The boy carried two away. I stepped up and collected two. The midget prophet man appeared by my left shoulder and said, “There’s a prize in there for you. It might be antique; it might be brand new.” I opened the first compartment and pulled out a jewelry box. In it was an amtheyst heart charm: I instantly thought I’d give it to Elizabeth. It was a 1937(?) purple amethyst heart: he told me the year. He looked at, told me the year, and said it had a flaw in it. He asked me if i’d wear it; as trained by my grandparents i said yes and told him i had a lot of purple things. Of course, there’s no fooling a prophet midget. As i held the box in my hand, it changed into a Matisse figure. After he handed me the heart back, I tried to put in the heart part of the Matisse box, just like in Operation. He said, “It’s not working, is it? Change it.” I held it in the palm of my hand and the heart changed to a Matisse figure. The midget said, “that’s what you really wanted anyway.” The midget was a candy maker and fortune teller, and lived in his factory through a crack in the walls.
I was in Elizabeth’s living room. We were watching the news and there were several storm warnings. We had to take the dogs to the graduation ceremony. We latched onto a golden retriever who pulled us there. When we got there, two customs officials arrested Elizabeth. This was at a gas station. I hid behind one of the pumps. I knew she was innocent, but they handcuffed and flipped her upside, like they do in cartoons when emptying other characters’ pockets. I knew I couldn’t help her, but Jim (her husband) would be able to take care of it.
I ran until I found the right-hand boundary. It was solid landscape timbers up to the sky, although I didn’t look. I watched the graduation proceedings for a while. It was outside, completely dark but lit like in movies. I moved closer to the event until I was under a house on a cliff. A guy leaned out and winked at me. At that point, I knew I had entered the movie.
I vaguely remember being pulled upside down. All these nude women were standing on the crags of the cliffs. Heather S (a girl I knew in high school) told me to flash the graduating class. I said no and told her I was going to pass out if I didn’t get upright soon. I was so disoriented that I had to really stop and think about which way I needed to move.
The whole ceremony was short, but I had been through it before. I thought “this is a Spike Lee movie” even though there weren’t many black people in it. Boys shot sugar into cobras, then sprayed them with Sprite from across the aisle.The cobras foamed at the mouth. Amanda said, “Well, that didn’t take long.” Monica said, “Yeah, it was a lot longer ceremony last time.”
I had to teach Dan's class, so I gave them group work and read a kitchenware catalog. After Dan and Susan asked to read it, I gave it to them, wrapped myself up even more in my blanket, and walked off. One of my students called out, "But you're supposed to teach us." I said, "But I don't care. Bye."
Then everything caught on fire and everything was destroyed. Lael and I wandered around and talking about the old Macy’s downtown and “fascination with the gutted.” Jodi stumbled out of a wrecked building with frizzled hair and burnt ened. I thought “she made it.”
Through a corner of the burnt-out building, I re-entered the surreal and came across the prophet Svankmajer figure. I was still trying to figure out whose movie I was in now. The midget doctor finds me in a pioneer wagon (we were in full settler costume as well) and he diagnosed me. He instantly rubbed his hands down my sides and i started to cry. He said, “This is where you hurt the most.” I cried even more. “Here’s where it hurts first,” he said as he rubbed his hands down the front of my thighs. He then looked away. Matt was by my side and said the midget looked away when he saw death. The midget looked back at me, but not in my eyes.
Then Matt and I were a black couple on the street in a cold, urban area. I think we might have been waiting for a bus. I held the midget as he talked to me. He told me that he didn’t see death, but something else. He can’t tell me what, and then he dies of a heart attack. I then realized I didn’t know his name. I decide to call him Quay, even though he was more Svankmajerian.
Then I was back on the green of the school. A black family of four, dressed in knit caps and fleece, bundled up very well, passed out from exhaustion in front of me. “We just want a house to sleep in.” I remembered that they were once the richest family in town. I noticed I was in a row with a lot of other people around me. A hypodermic needle was sitting in front of me and I grabbed because I knew it would be important later on. I also saw a 5 lb. bag of heroin (labelled in red ink) sitting in the street. I left it there.
Eventually it did become important, when I learned I might not be in a movie.I was sitting in a waiting room, with some loud black woman complaining about her drug use. A lot of white kids were sitting around chanting “crack head.” I had the hypodermic needle and the I was called in. i start to follow the receptionist, trying to remember how the movie ended so i would keep it on its path. I hesitated before the door I knew I was supposed to go through because there was a staircase going down to the right side. Two women were whispering and seemed interesting. I went down the stairs and I could still see: here’s when i knew i wasn’t in a predetermined movie. I try to eavesdrop on the completely-Kansan looking women: one was a 40-year-old fake-tanned woman wearing a leather pantsuit, the other was a 35-year-old brunette with short hair, (what i call the paralegal look). They saw me and stopped talking.
I had to drive to school again. This time I was in “Denver,” and i was driving between warring Asian gangbangers. One of the two guys in the backseat of the car in front of me flashed me a gun. I closed my eyes, hit mysterious buttons , and ended up turning on my brights. They slammed on the brakes. I stopped in time and was not hit by anyone. Then I swerved around them.
I met Woods and Brooks over coffee in their booklined, Pergo-floored study. They were talking about Jurgen Habermas and drinking tea, but I was a little preoccupied about almost being shot. My paper was on the role of the unreal in society. Woods thought I had good ideas, but needed work on developing them. I could see that: after the outline, I’d just given him a list like Google search results. “Here are 10 key words that I’ll use in my conclusion: Marixism, private sphere, Wife of Bath, lais, Marie de France, marginalization, etc.”
I touched the table, a lot like the midget in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me does as he says “This is a Formica table. Green is its color." I sob uncontrollably, wanting to tell them they had no idea what the real world was like; that I had been shot at; that I had a man die in my arms; that I had seen my friend arrested for nothing, etc. and they just want me to talk about Chaucer.
Then I woke up a lot more exhausted than when I went to sleep. Damn fevers.
Vital Stats:
Time of sleep: 4:00-5:15 a.m., 10/21/99 (Thursday morning, my “day off”)
Drugs: Biaxcin, no Nyquil for the first time in three+ nights.
Television: Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Top Cat
Mom sez: I was running a fever and she forgot to turn down the furnace.